Since the day my daughter was born I knew that one day she would be starting nursery. It’s sort of a given fact now whether you work or stay at home most of time they will go to nursery then school. Unless there are certain circumstances or they’re being home schooled. I was always told that “It’s hard for them because it’s new” but as much as people talk about how hard it is for the child. What about me?!
Without sounding selfish and it being all me me me, when do people think about the affect on parents? This week my daughter has started nursery and she will only be attending a couple of times a week. I birthed her and stayed by her side twenty four hours a day seven days a week. We’ve barely spent any time apart and we’re like glue. The thing that scared me the most was everyone was talking about how it’s going to affect her but not our relationship together.
We’re having a couple of settling in sessions and just doing it gradually and trying to go off what is best for her. Working alongside her teachers that is. Earlier was the first time I played with her a little and then left. I stood in the hallway completely unsure and didn’t know what to do. I contemplated standing there for the whole hour and half. It wasn’t until one of the teachers asked if I was okay and I bawled. Everywhere. It wasn’t pretty in the least.
I eventually got the courage to walk home with her pram crying my eyes out and then crying some more until I had to pick her up an hour later. In reality I didn’t think about her safety or panic about her not having enough food or drinks. My instinct is that she’s with some amazing teachers who will look after her and her needs. No panic. My worry is that she would realise I was gone, that I wouldn’t come back and that it would break our bond.
Over the past couple of years we have never once let her ‘cry it out’. We always console her, address the problem and go forward. So walking back into the room to see her sobbing broke my heart. It wasn’t until it was tidy up time she realised I snuck off over an hour before. She was in such an emotional state leaving and it’s not something I’ve ever let my child be in.
It took a while to calm her down and realise everything is okay and that mummy is there. In the meantime I was trying to talk to her teacher trying not to break down because it was in honesty my worst nightmare. I had to leave my daughter in a setting which she isn’t quite used to yet. With people she isn’t quite used to yet. It didn’t help that I wasn’t ready to leave her. There wasn’t anything I was doing in the meantime. She is honestly going to nursery for her own development with being creative, learning new skills and being around other children. So me walking home thinking I can just go back and take her home right now didn’t help.
I felt lost and still do. I have this daughter I’ve watched every single moment of to not have her by my side. In my own selfish reasons I don’t want her to be there because I count on her as much as she counts on me. It felt like my purpose just went somewhere else for a little while. And even though I knew she would be back, I just didn’t know what to do.
Want to know what I did with my spare hour? I came home, sobbed my eyes out. Hoovered and tidied the front room. Made a coffee. Sobbed some more and then scheduled some tweets. I wish I could just put my feet up and think “ahhh some peace and quiet” but I felt so anxious to my bones.
The next time she goes in, my boyfriend is taking her and I honestly wish him all the luck to not cry when he leaves the room. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my two and half years of parenting.
For all those parents who are panicking about leaving their child due to their own attachment, you are not alone. It’s heart wrenching and has been an incredibly emotional day. I want you to know that it’s okay to be upset that your child is growing up, that you’re worried about how they’re going to be at nursery or just yourself and feeling lost. It’s okay.
If you ever want a chat you are more than welcome to comment below and chat or send me a DM on Twitter. It’s not an easy thing to do but it’s okay.